#138 Preparation for your first wave of mail and the first phone call

That first “Plebe Summer” letter can feel like it rewrites everything you thought you knew. One day you’re celebrating an appointment to the United States Naval Academy, and the next you’re reading words like “I hate this place” and bracing for a first phone call that might sound like quitting. We get it, and we made this for the parents, grandparents, siblings, and friends who are carrying that stress in real time.

We walk through why those early messages often hit so hard, and why they’re also completely normal in the Naval Academy journey. We share a personal story of sending a brutal letter home and starting a phone call with a blunt “I’m leaving,” then explain what was really happening: a highly emotional, high-pressure training environment designed as a crucible. We unpack a simple but powerful framework for families: there’s no shame in the feeling, every letter is a snapshot in time, and your job is to counter emotion with calm logic and support so your midshipman can return to baseline and take the next step.

We also zoom out to the bigger purpose. USNA isn’t built to demand perfection on day one; it’s built for development. Those reps of discomfort, failure, and recovery become the foundation for resilience, empathy, and leadership in the fleet and in life. We close with a reminder not to compare journeys online, and how staying grounded helps you show up as the steady support your midshipman needs.

Subscribe for more real talk on Plebe Summer, midshipmen life, and service academy leadership, then share this with a family who needs it and leave a review so more parents can find it.

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The mission of Academy Insider is to guide, serve, and support Midshipmen, future Midshipmen, and their families.

This podcast is independently produced and reflects the views and opinions of its creators. It is not officially affiliated with, endorsed by, or representative of the United States Naval Academy or its affiliates.

Grant Vermeer your host is the person who started it all.  He is the founder of Academy Insider and the host of The Academy Insider podcast. He was a recruited athlete which brought him to Annapolis where he was a four year member of the varsity basketball team. He was a cyber operations major and commissioned into the Cryptologic Warfare Community. He was stationed at Fort Meade and supported the Subsurface Direct Support mission.

He separated from the Navy in 2023 and now owns The Vermeer Group, a residential real estate company that matches service academy families with trusted real estate teams all across the country.  Text (650) 282-1964 with any real estate questions.

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Transcript

Welcome And Why This Matters

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to the Academy Insider Podcast, a little episode in preparation for two facts that are happening, which is one, I know a lot of letters or the first wave of letters are starting to make it out of Annapolis and get into homes across the country. And our first phone call is coming up. And so, in preparation for that, for all the families who may be out there who may be a little anxious and maybe a little bit stressed out on either something they've received or in preparation for the phone call, I hope this episode is just a reminder and a reflection on the power of the Naval Academy experience and why things are the way they are, so that way you can have a grounding force and a sentiment that, like, this is meant to be this way, and it is truly an incredible experience that will be wildly positive in the life of your midshipmen. So without further ado, let's jump into it. Thank y'all so much.

Disclaimer And What This Is

SPEAKER_00 0:54

Before we get started, I want to make a quick disclaimer to make sure that everyone knows Academy Insider and myself, Grant Premier, are in no ways official representatives of the United States Naval Academy, the Navy, andor the Department of War. What I'm doing here again is just trying to provide a little bit of context perspective and understanding for the Naval Academy journey. But my use of the Naval Academy and conversation about them does not imply endorsement from the institution. If you ever have any questions directly for the Naval Academy, I encourage you to reach out to them directly in the public affairs office. I appreciate it. Thank you so much, and I hope you have a great listening to

Letters And Phone Call Anxiety

SPEAKER_00 1:25

the episode. All right, what up, team? Uh, excited to kind of do a little bit of an impromptu episode here. I apologize, I'm on the road. Uh for everyone listening again, like Academy Incenter is not my job. Uh to be very clear, I have jobs. Academy Incenter's uh solely like my passion project and what I do to give back to a community I really care about. So I apologize, you know, that I didn't have a fresh episode last week. Uh I've been all over uh and I'm currently I'm literally in Las Vegas. I'm going to officiate uh a very high-level basketball game uh in about two hours. And so I'm trying to get this episode done and complete before we get there. Um so I appreciate everyone's patience with me as we go through this. It's just my goal to try and share my experience, provide a little perspective, context, understanding uh to what an incredible journey the Naval Academy is. And when I say incredible journey, I'm sure a lot of you are questioning that right now. Uh because I know that the first wave of letters have kind of arrived home. Some people are hearing things. Um, you know, we have our first phone call on Sunday. And uh and so I want to talk a little bit about this experience. This is gonna be a quick episode. I just want to provide a little bit of my thoughts again here about the challenges you're gonna face as parents now, right? Where your child uh may be putting you guys through the ringer, much like I put my parents through the ringer. Um when people send uh emotional responses to what's going on during plebe summer.

His Worst Letter Home

SPEAKER_00 3:01

Now, again, for those of you who haven't seen, again, it's kind of going viral on social media right now, uh unsurprisingly, um, you know, I shared a letter that I wrote home during plebe summer. Uh, it's relevant. I uh post it every year on July 8th because that was the year I actually wrote the letter. Um, if you haven't seen it, uh again, it it literally says on the beautiful Naval Academy letterhead, you know, letter home uh that says, I hate this place. I just want to be happy. Save me, mom. And uh obviously I sent that letter, and then my first phone call home uh was not particularly good either. Um, you know, I remember being on that phone call, and uh, you know, my my parents pick up, and before they could even get a word out, like before they could even say anything, I was just like, hey, I want to let you guys know. Like, this is just a courtesy to you. Um, I'm not asking you, I'm not, you know, asking for advice on anything. I'm just letting you know. I am in I'm I'm giving you a heads up that like I am leaving. I I hate this place. I freaking hate every piece of it, don't want to be here. Um, and uh I can't even imagine, can't even imagine the things that my parents went through, right? And so uh again, I just want to let all of y'all know, again, I know the majority of the audience is is families, right? Uh parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings. Uh, and I just want to let you know that I see you right now. Like this is not a fun time. This is a really difficult thing when you see someone that you love going through a hard time. Um but I want to remind you that this is a this is a tailored hard time. This is a dedicated and specific hard time. Again, you'll hear the superintendent uh use this word crucible, right? Again, um a book was literally written about this by Admiral McNeil far before you know the soup used the term. Um the the crucible event is a something that has been around forever, for histories. The crucible is what makes men and women. The crucible is what takes someone from you know having a good foundation and turns them into somebody who is ready to lead people and navigate hard times. That that is a muscle that has to be trained, right? And so um, again, I think this stuff is really important. And I just want to remind you all that, again, these moments that the person that you love more than anything in the world is going through right now, it is supposed to be that way. Like it is designed specifically for that. And so, even though it may be tough on you, I want you to know that like it is tough for a reason.

No Shame In Hating It

SPEAKER_00 5:54

And so, um, you know, a couple of primary things that I want to just hopefully provide a little bit of comfort and support around in this case, which the first thing that I want to talk about is there is absolutely no shame in this feeling, right? Like, as you're a parent, if you receive a letter home from you know your kid or they say something on a letter like, oh, I hate this place, this freaking sucks. There's no, there's no shame in that. Like that is a that is a common, such a common feeling and experience in the Naval Academy journey, right? Like, I joke, like there was someone who commented on my LinkedIn post the other day, you know, class of 87 grad, I think, right? Like this idea of IHTFP, literally the initials IHTFP, which stands for I hate this um fun place, uh, it's a staple in the Naval Academy experience. It is. That is a feeling that has been felt for centuries. And everyone who tries to say, like, oh, you you shouldn't feel that way, like you should just feel proud to be there, like they're lying. I I don't know. Like, again, yeah, are there some people who enjoy the whole experience? Uh maybe, maybe, I don't know. But look, there is a common vernacular in the Naval Academy experience which says it is a terrible place to be, but a great place to be from. Like that has been the common experience for as long as the Naval Academy has been around, right? So, like if your son or daughter is expressing that feeling to you, they're venting that in the air to you, like they're not alone. Not only are they not alone, they're in the majority, right? Like they're in the majority of the people because that is what the experience is designed for. They're designed to put you into that exact moment so you learn how to work through that moment, right? And so again, I just want to provide that as like the first reiteration and that first reminder, which is if your loved one is going through that experience, that is okay. There is no shame in that. That is normal, right? And so I don't want you to feel like you can't um, you know, reach out to people or that you should feel shame in this. Like, absolutely not the case. Like, this is the whole point of the experience is to go through that feeling, is to feel that. Um because again, I just it it will be tough to go into the fleet, to be an officer, to be a leader, and not have felt real human emotion in hard times. Right? Your ability to go and relate to your sailors, but then also lead and advise and consult them through their own difficult times is gonna be significantly better and more, uh, you're gonna have more effectiveness if you yourself have been through that hard time. If you have physically felt the feeling of extreme stress or extreme anxiety or extreme frustration, a desire to literally quit and leave in that moment, you don't want to be there, and yet you weather the storm. And yet you continue to go forward, and yet you wait one more day and you make it through one more day. If you can relate to somebody on that level and let them know that you feel them, like you understand the feelings that they have, and you can encourage them to continue to take one step forward. I would argue that that will make you a better leader. Your ability to empathize with people, your ability to understand how someone may be feeling, and yet, despite all of that, still continue to advise, consult, and lead them in a direction moving forward is what will make you a great leader. And so point one of this whole thing is there is no shame in that feeling.

A Letter Is A Snapshot

SPEAKER_00 9:50

The second piece is that every letter that you get in the phone call that you have is a snapshot in time, right? You may receive a letter home from your loved one on June 30th, right? And on June 30th, they're expressing every negative feeling in the world, and they're writing home because they just had a horrible day and they did this and they were in gray space and they got wrecked and they're they're questioning every single thing. But then guess what? On July 1st, maybe they go to the range and shoot guns all day, and now, like, yeah, days get better. Like the cool stuff is happening, right? The fun stuff is happening. And so, again, I encourage you as well, as someone on the other side who doesn't have that direct access all the time to realize that the letter that you receive or the phone call that happens is quite literally just a snapshot in time. And that there are going to be waves, there are going to be ebbs and flows, there are gonna be moments that are really horrible, and there are gonna be moments that are actually pretty cool. And when you hear something, it may just be the immediate response to what happened a couple hours previous, not the culmination of the previous week and a half, right? And so those are just kind of things that uh I would encourage you to try and keep in perspective as well. For those of you who um are dealing with uh, you know, kind of a negative emotional response, right? As like, you know, as people are like going through it. Um this is and this is just my opinion. Again, I'm just a dude. I have no training, I'm not a psychologist, I don't have any of this stuff. I'm just a guy who lived it. I'm just someone who has felt it and am sharing my experience of what worked for me. Now, every person is different, other people may respond differently. You may have your own personal opinions about how you should deal with it. And that's totally fair. I'm just sharing my experience here and what worked for me.

Counter Emotion With Logic

SPEAKER_00 11:57

And my thing is if you expect potentially that you are going to have a negative phone call, right? If you expect based on letters that you receive that things are not going well, right? Like, and again, the the definition of well in plebe summer is always relative, because I would argue that if they're going through a really negative time, like that is good. Like that is the point, right? That that is what will help them moving forward. But um, anyway, your ability to counter emotion with logic and support um will be critical, right? I talk about this if you have listened to my welcome aboard speech that I've given. Um I use the analogy, obviously, because it's Navy lol, um of weathering storms. Right? When you are sailing and you are going through and you are in rough seas, it is just critical to hold fast, continue to sail through the storm and get to the other side because the storm will end. Like things will temper down. They always do. When we go through emotional peaks and valleys, you hit the polar end, and then you the quicker you can return to baseline, the better. And the quicker you return to baseline happens over time as you get one more rep of overcoming adversity, one more rep of dealing with that physiological response of hitting an emotional peak and then returning back to a baseline. And so, again, as they are going through this, they are they are like sailing through this storm right now. It is your ability to like not feed into the emotion, not amplify the emotion, but rather utilize logic and support to like bring them back to a baseline that will help them over time, right? Like everyone in the world needs a support system. Everyone in the world like craves a community and a tribe that helps them as they are going through hard times. And uh it's it's truly special if that is your family. Now, not everyone has that relationship with their family, and I get it. Not everyone has that. Um, but if it can be your family, then that is a really special thing. And so again, I encourage you to help them weather the storm and overcome that adversity. Um, because it is emotion that you are fighting against, right? Captain Chadwick, who was the former Commandant, 87th Commandant of Midshipman, uh, literally common on a post. I love that. I love that we have like former literal command of midshipmen commenting on stuff. It makes me so happy. It's very cool to have this community. Um and he wrote, right, that like all of the noble and positive reasons that your midshipmen accepted their appointment, they haven't changed. They have not changed. Right? Nothing in this week, week and a half, like all for every reason that they wanted to enter the Naval Academy, none of that has changed. I can guarantee you that none of that has changed. What's happened is that they are in a highly emotional state. And when you are uncomfortable and when you are emotional, the brain's ability to justify any excuse to escape being uncomfortable is truly unmatched. It's truly unmatched, right? Like, again, when I showed up to the Naval Academy, I'm going through all this stuff. It was really easy for me to justify and be like, well, actually, like, I don't think that I actually want to be a naval officer. I don't think I actually want to do this. I don't think I actually it's just, it's just your brain justifying any excuse, justifying any reason to escape the uncomfortable situation that you are in. Right? All of the noble and positive reasons that they have accepted the appointment have not changed. Okay. You're not fighting against logic. You're not fighting, you're fighting against emotion. And so the best that you can do to counter emotion with logic and support to help them weather the storms and realize that they are just getting a repetition of overcoming adversity is truly incredible.

Development Is The Point

SPEAKER_00 16:36

The fourth piece here. And this goes back to like this is the whole point. Um I encourage you every single day, if you can, just as a parent, to realize that again, that like what they're going through is good. What they're going through is important. Is look at the mission statement of the Naval Academy. Look at the mission statement. This is again, the mission of the Naval Academy is quite literally development. It's development. That is the first words of the Naval Academy mission statement, is to develop midshipment, right? We're not here to screen midshipmen. We're not see here to see that the person, like that they have to have it today, that they have to have every single thing today. That's not the point. I think quite literally, if you were to look at the OCS, like the officer candidate school mission statement, I think it literally does say to like to screen or validate or do these things, like they're there to make sure that the person already has the things necessary. That's not the mission of the Naval Academy. The mission of the Naval Academy is to develop. It is development. And development and growth and all these things means you will go through hard times, you will fail a ton, you will do really difficult things to get those repetitions of weathering storms, of overcoming adversity, of doing really hard things, of being really emotional and coming back to your baseline. Like this is the whole purpose. And so, again, as you as a parent, I know it's so hard. Again, my mom would always say it's it's something that's stuck with me forever, which is like, you can only be as happy as your unhappiest child, and I get that. But I need you guys to like realize that they are unhappy for a freaking reason. Right? Like they are like that is the whole purpose. Like they didn't show up to pleep summer for it to be good or fun, right? Like and this is just reminding I know I know you know that, right? Like, this is not like, oh, you know, you didn't realize what was going on. Like, no, we all know it, but it's different when you're actually going through it. Like, that's the thing. Like, again, you can prepare as much as you want and logically and rationally in your brain know that things are gonna be hard or things are gonna be this until the moment your son or daughter writes a letter home saying, like, get me out of here. Like, this is like this is horrible. I hate this, like this sucks. I I don't think I wanna do it, right? Like, the moment it becomes personal and you feel the physiological response of someone that you love needing help, I understand that everything changes. And that this is now the reason that we are talking about this on the podcast is to be your reminder, to remind them, to like help be there for them in the fact that like this is meant to be this way. It's a crucible event. It is, and doing hard things is one of the most beautiful things that we can do as humans, and especially one of the most beautiful things we can do as young adults in preparation for attacking life. I talk all the time about how the fact that I am so grateful for my Naval Academy experience. I am so grateful for everything that I went through. I'm so grateful that I wrote that freaking letter home. That I'm so grateful that I had such a polar response that that I hated it so much. Um because it's the exact experience that has made me the man I am today and hopefully will continue to grow, develop, and continue to get better. But it's also what's made me the husband that I am today. It's what's gonna make me hopefully the father I am in the future. Um because you don't want to be experiencing adversity for the first time at 40 years old. You don't want to be going through and feeling that physiological response for the first time where you're overwhelmed, you're super stressed, you're anxious through every ounce of your body, and you don't know how to deal with it. You don't know how to navigate it to doing that now. And this experience now is what is going to make them, it is the catalyst in their growth and development to be an incredible husband or wife, an incredible father or mother, an incredible leader of men and women. It is what is going to make them someone who can empathize, but then also still hold standards and continue to push people moving forward. And having gone through that yourself will prepare you to do that. It will prepare you to be a staple in your community. It will prepare you to make the people around you, to make your community, to make your tribe better. It is going to make you someone who can come from contribution in every aspect of your life and be of service to the people with you, to walk with, to be a man or a woman for and with others. That is the whole experience. And so I just encourage you to always remember that, to come back to that when things are tough and realize that this is the most special experience that they can be going through. Love that. And then here's the flip side.

Stop Comparing Experiences

SPEAKER_00 22:06

I may have said all that, and you're like, I don't know, my kids said they had they're having a good time. Hey, also totally fair. Um, look, no experience is the exact same. No experience is the exact same. There are, there are pen. I know there are probably people out there who are like, yeah, this is really hard and things are tough, but like I love this. Like, this is super fun. I'm really enjoying it. And that's great, right? No experience is the exact same. Whatever you do, try not to compare to others' experiences. Compare this is an adage as old as time, right? Like, comparison is the thief of joy. Comparison is always difficult. You are walking your journey. And the best you can like not compare yourself or not relate it to other people's experiences, uh, I think it's just gonna make you happier and just realize that you are in your experience and you are navigating your world with your uh, you know, your immediate family or whatever the case is. And so um, if that is something uh that you may be struggling with, I highly encourage you to listen uh to the podcast episode that I did with Carl Smith. I think Carl explains this phenomenon better than anyone in the world. And uh I just encourage you to talk about it. Again, the whole episode is about the parents' journey uh at the Naval Academy and some of the experiences that we have in today's world with the amount of information that exists and the amount of things that are out there and the amount of negative or positive comments that you you'll get from people on the internet of all this different stuff. Dude. Just and I know it's hard. I struggle with it too. I read, I do, I read all the comments on everything, and it like it kills me because I get like, oh yeah, someone said something nice, and then it's like, oh, this person's calling me a pussy. Right? And I'm like, all right, well, yeah, like I mean, if I'm gonna listen to that one, then, you know, like, or if I'm gonna listen to the positive, I gotta listen to the negative. But the reality is I really shouldn't listen to either. I should just continue on my journey and know that like the reason that I do this is because I want to give back to a community that means everything to me, right? I want to continue to be a resource, I want to continue to be someone. This idea, this value of coming from contribution and everything you do, this value, this idea of being a man for others, this Jesuit ethos of being a man for others, like that's all that matters. Whether it's, you know, people think of it positively or think of it negatively, because I tell you what, there are a lot of people who hate what I do. There are a lot of people who um tell you what. Uh yeah, a lot of people in positions who don't who think what I do is is stupid or soft. Um it is what it is. You know what I mean? Like I will never be swayed from the fact that like trying to be of service to other human beings who are going through hard times is not a good thing. Um so it is what it is. That episode of Carl Smith, I think, is an incredible episode through all of this stuff. Um Yeah. I know that this episode may have been longer than I even thought it was gonna be because I like to ramble. Um, but in preparation for you know these first letters coming home and the phone call, uh, I just want you to hear this. I want you to be reminded um that this journey is meant to be this way, and it is also the journey that is gonna set the foundation that makes incredible leaders within our community, um, incredible leaders within a household, incredible partners and spouses. Um, because I'll tell you what, I'm so unbelievably grateful and in love with my wife. Um, and one of the things that I love most about her is that she is a freaking warrior. Um she's a Naval Academy grad as well, class of 19. And her ability to continue to fight through hard times, uh, to fight through difficult moments, to fight through um all like anything that may be tough, it's it's just the greatest blessing to have as a as a partner than a spouse, to have someone like that. And uh I encourage you to realize that like you going through this experience will set the foundation for you to continue to be able to do that, to continue to work that muscle. It is what is going to give you the ability to be an incredible human being. Um and so go for it.

Support, Reach Out, Wrap Up

SPEAKER_00 26:39

I love it. Um, if anything comes up in the phone call or a letter and you feel um and it's hard, uh, feel free to reach out to me. Send me an email, grant at academyinsider.com, send me a DM, whatever the case is. Um again, I can't promise that I'm gonna be able to respond immediately. Um, but I do want to be there as a support to you, as you support the person that you love most in the world. So um I appreciate you all. Thank you so much. I hope this was an enjoyable listen and have a great day. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Academy Insider Podcast. I really hope you liked it, enjoyed it, and learned something during this time. If you did, please feel free to like and subscribe or leave a comment about the episode. We really appreciate it to hear your feedback about everything and continue to make Academy Insider an amazing service that guides, serves, and supports midshipmen, future midshipmen, and their families. Thank you.